I can feel it.

Harley, my little sister, whom also happens to be a 90lb Rottweiler, had to have knee surgery today. I have been with her through all of this. I took her to the vet for the initial visit to find out what was wrong, and I have been talking to her about what was gonna happen ever since then. I am the one who took her to drop her off for surgery this morning and sat in the waiting room trying to keep her at peace before they took her back. I picked her up this afternoon and you can tell she is seriously uncomfortable (which was expected.)

I always talk to her. I have been talking to her since before we got her. She will be 4 in October. We have always been close.

I am a true believer that my dogs know what I am saying to them.

As I was laying in the floor with her, I had my hand on her neck and was asking her how she felt. I felt the pain in the back of my upper knee as clear as anything you can imagine. She just stared into my eyes. I could feel the pain where she feels the pain.

Connections are so strange. I can now feel it every time I touch her leg. My poor little sissy.

We have always had a connection.

I decided to get a Rottweiler from a man in Crossville, AL, almost 4 years ago. I had seen pictures and picked out the most beautiful puppy. I went to the man’s house, and this puppy wanted nothing to do with me. There was another one, just as beautiful, that followed me around the entire time. I was informed that no one had chosen her yet, and if I wanted to change I could. I loved on this puppy, but I had already decided that this hardheaded puppy that didn’t want anything to do with me was going to love me, damn it. I knew this sweet one would find a fantastic home soon enough.

After taking home my baby, Bellatrix Gryffindora, she did indeed fall in love with me. (Side note: she is now my guide dog.) My father kept saying how he wanted one so badly, and I called the man and asked if that sweet little puppy was still available. She was.

I drove back the 6 hours from Mobile to Crossville and Harley Quinn was now my little sister.

Funny how things work out.

Sissy loves you Harley.

(also, I think it has become pretty obvious that I am a crazy dog lady.

  

Why did I go to school?

I find myself asking this question quite frequently these days. Why did I waste so much time and money on something that did nothing for me? Going away to Auburn just made me a shitty person. It’s where I discovered my drinking problem, which I still have no control over. It took all of my money. It took all of my sanity. Why did I choose hospitality? Because I want my own restaurant. But actually I just want to sing. That’s the only time I ever feel needed or that people are proud of me or proud to know me. My job now has pushed me to hate restaurants. I hate people. But most of all the problem right now is that I hate who I have become. I have no friends. I have no significant other. I have nothing but a college degree that I despise and no direction in life.

Never enough.

Why is it that no matter how much I try, it is never enough? I do everything that a girl is supposed to do that a guy wants. I cook you your favorite food. I do whatever you want. I support you in everything. I am there whenever you call. I give you space. I Let you do you.

But you know what I just realized? Its not that I’m doing anything wrong. Its that I’m the wrong person.

#why #love #life #breakthrough #notanidiot

Medication

Do I take more? I’m losing my mind. I definitely can’t not take it, I freak out. But I freak out while I’m on it. I’m crazy. I accept that. But what I won’t accept is that everyone gets to see it. It is controllable. I will win this. I’m obsessive, anxiety ridden, and depressed. But I refuse to let it consume me. I must learn to control it before I lose them all.

#crazy #helpme #imlosing #crazypeople #depression #obsession #anxiety

Self control. I’m working on that. Today I am really being tested. I just want to jump on someone, but I won’t. I’m a lovely lady, and you will treat me like a delicate fucking flower.

Such a long hiatus…

Since we’ve last spoken, I have accomplished quite a bit. I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE. Holy hell. I have a BS in Hospitality Management and a business minor. If you know me, that’s something. I still think school is stupid though. That was last May. Now here it is January of 2015, and here I am. I took a great job as soon as I graduated as a F&B manager at a casino in Biloxi. It was everything you could hope for: good money, benefits, m-f 9 to 5. Here’s the kicker: I FUCKING HATED IT. So I quit. And I took a job as a server at a French bistro. And I love it (most days).

I’m in love with a guy that I never thought I would be.

I’m moving to an apartment across the bay.

I am trying to figure out life. But aren’t we all? no one tells you that when you graduate its a whole different world out there. I don’t know what to do.

All I know for sure, is that I am 23 years old and I have done what I’ve been told to do my entire life. Let’s see how this new chapter goes; it begins with me living for me.

Fighting back the crazy…

Why are you being so secretive about everything? I can’t take it. Are you just in this because you’re “comfortable?” Why aren’t you being completely honest with me? Why am I laying here crying because some stranger made a comment and now your phone is dead and I can’t talk to you? Why is it so hard for me to remain calm? I’m trying to fight back the crazy but I don’t have the energy. I don’t want to go through this again. I gave my all and it was dropped and smashed. I can’t go through it again. I love you. And yes it’s soon. But I don’t think it’s ever too soon if that’s the way that you feel. I know you don’t feel the same yet, which is why I won’t say it. What if I do and you run? What if i don’t and you don’t know how I feel? What if I do and you don’t ever feel the same….. There are things I can take, and this is not one of them. Help me to hold back the crazy, inside. For I fear that if it is unleashed, it will not subside.

Just a swingin’

From each mood branch that is. I was happy earlier, NOW, I’m bouncing back and forth between sadness and anger. Have you ever seen Steel magnolias? The funeral scene is priceless. That’s my life right now. & the logical part of me is trying to talk the crazy part of me out of being crazy. Does that make any sense? It does. I am an extremely logical crazy person. Please excuse me while I go slam my head into a wall. In other news, Justin Bieber’s instagram videos have been lovely today. I love him.

Obsessed

I’m currently watching the movie “Obsessed” and it’s making me wanna beat the hell out of someone. Delusional people are extremely terrifying. But aren’t we all a little delusional every now and again? I’m not afraid to admit that I am. For example, I have this delusion that Aaron Carter is in love with me….hahaha. Okay, that’s a joke. But hey, he might really be after he meets me at his show two weeks from today…I can dream right? Moving on… you know how you discover a new love for something, and then for like weeks, maybe months, you just can’t get unhooked from it? Obsessed. It’s like “oh hey, that’s a cute owl!” and then for the next few weeks, everytime I see any thing to do with an owl, It’s like its the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I just have to have it. And i spend all my time searching for owl things and whatnot. All unnecessary things, like, for example, an 8ft picture of an owl. WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH A 8 FT OWL PICTURE?! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, BUT I WILL FIGURE IT OUT! I am not obsessed with owls, that I was just an example of my stupidity and imagination. It’s amazing how you can be so in love and “obsessed” with something and then one day, you just aren’t anymore. Your “passion” for whatever it may be just dies away slowly, and there you are, awaiting your next obsession.